A Grown Up’s Gap Year – Relationships

Coupled, and Living Apart

Back when we said  ‘I do…’ to the usual marriage vow listicle, I have no recollection of The Husband and I including ‘I do NOT expect to cohabit with this person for ever – even if we remain married’. So when it occurred to me a few years ago that ‘living together’ was no longer what I wanted, full time, I didn’t really have the vernacular to explain the concept. Instead I sent an email, ‘I can be found here for the time being’ (‘here’ being a holiday house in another Australian state).

That was two years ago, and for the most part, I don’t live with my husband. We co-habit (with the kidults) in intervals, and then I soar intermittently for some space. I’ve made myself dizzy from ‘needs must’ back and forth. But, so be it; a small price to pay as it works for us, for now.

On any given day, I field questions – mostly incredulous or curious – about living apart from my spouse. They run the gamut:

• Incredulity: “How the hell do I get some space for myself?” Keep reading the book.
• Doubt: “So, you’re still married but don’t live together full-time?” Correct. (Side note: this isn’t exactly a new idea. Decades ago, my Oma, widowed in her seventies, agreed to move in with her long-term boyfriend – with one caveat: separate townhouses. After raising five children and living with a handful of a husband, she, too, craved space.)
• Acceptance: “Cool idea if everyone’s happy.”

This arrangement—coined living apart together (LAT)—is more common than I realised when I first ‘fled.’ I had no frame of reference then; no one in my circle was doing the same. However research now shows that LAT arrangements can strengthen long-term relationships.

The thread that binds The Husband and me is strong, also elastic enough to allow us to drift freely separately for now.

Let’s be clear: this is not about seeking new partners or a divorce without the paperwork.

The Husband has his interests and mates, and I have mine. We travel separately for the most part. 

Together, we share two gorgeous young men, a puppy, holidays, and decades of heartache and happiness. 

It’s about giving each other the freedom to pursue individual passions while still choosing to sail through life together. Mid-life sharpens the horizon – ensure you’re both steering toward joy.